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Today I am dealing with an intense ball of emotion.  As I write this blog post I am already feeling better, having sought company of the very few pansexual kinky friends I have and having consumed several glasses of wine and shed many tears.  However only hours ago I was so distraught with intense feelings of being lonely that I nearly started crying in public.

You see, living your life knowing that your dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge and understand about human sexuality, love and relationships is difficult at best.  I don’t believe in hiding what I do from anyone, as my entire career goal set is based upon the ideal of breaking with the norm of not talking about sexuality. In fact, I find a certain joy in being open with people about my academic pursuits…but there’s only one problem with all of it.  It’s lonely.

I feel so lonely at times that it’s unbearable.  I often feel like a complete freak of nature, and like something is wrong with me.  People around me just don’t understand what my true intentions are about my studies and label me as some sort of freaky pervert.  It hurts deeply and breaks my heart to know that even the people closest to me, that I call my friends, often seem to drown in the waters of knowledge that I swim in.

My intentions are pure and my heart is in the right place, but it seems people always misunderstand me.  I can’t begin to describe how it feels to know that there may only be a handful of people alive that genuinely understand you.  The weight it places upon you emotionally is indescribable.  I only want to help people learn to be more open about sexuality, less inhibited, less afraid of sexual freedom and expression, but instead it seems I only succeed in isolating myself from society.

I really wish people could see me what for who I really am and what I am trying to accomplish.  If they only knew what I do about sexuality and saw things the way I do, or even a fraction of it, they may see how wonderful I really am…but they don’t.  In a city full of 1.4 million people, I walk down the street alone.  In a crowded urban jungle full of wild animus I am alone. Alone.

I try not to let it wear me down too much, but it’s hard to deal with the harsh reality of it all.  The more successful I become at learning about sexuality, the more excited I become.  The more excited I become, the more I alienate myself from the average person.  The more I alienate myself the lonelier I become.

It’s not just loneliness that courses through me, it is also anger.  I feel incredibly enraged for feeling so lonely.  I don’t understand why more people are not trying to seek sexual enlightenment.  I don’t understand why so many people are obsessively compelled to safeguard their little niche communities, as if I was a secret spy from the vanilla/hetero world hell bent on destruction of their culture.

It really is a heavy burden to bear, but in the end it appears to me that I only have myself to blame.  I chose this path.  I made this choice and I need to accept the consequences of that action. I won’t, however, accept the stigmas society places upon me for willing to talk about their taboos in public.  To that I say, sod off.

It’s not my fault that people are afraid to talk about sex.  Even kinksters are afraid to talk about their sexuality beyond the safe confines of their bedroom/dungeon doors.  It completely blows my mind.  I don’t understand how even the people who are kinky are too timid to talk about having a better orgasm, etc. in public.

So, in the end I’m left with one simple conclusion.  The path I’ve chosen is difficult, and I should expect that. People are inherently afraid of their sexuality, afraid of sex, and most definitely afraid of other people’s sexuality.  I will encounter resistance along the way.  I will have to battle against the feelings of loneliness in understanding that the path I chose will eventually lead me to enlightenment.  Along that journey I will feel lonely.  I will feel like a freak, and you know what.  I’m ok with that.